January 19, 2017
Interview with John Stoker, author of the book Overcoming Fake Talk
Mike Carruthers:
Ever dread having one of those difficult conversations?
John Stoker:
I would think that a difficult conversation is any conversation that you would toss and turn about – the ones that great angst, frustration and maybe a high degree of emotion.
John Stoker, author of the book Overcoming Fake Talk, says the trick is to be conscious and aware like an observer of how the conversation is going.
Every conversation has a line. So let’s say I ask you a question and you roll your eyes and go, “Well, why are you asking me that?” So notice you didn’t answer my question you asked me a question in response to my question. That tells me that we’re going below the line, there’s something going on that’s not working.
It’s easy to get sucked down below the line by someone in a conversation if you allow it – but you don’t have to.
So I might say, “Mike I just noticed you rolled your eyes, I’m thinking there’s something you don’t like about what I just asked you. Tell me what’s going on.” And what I’m doing then is asking a question to lift the conversation above the line.
If you stay conscious and aware of the dynamics of the conversation you’ll come to realize that…
Conversations that are below the line are often about blame or they’re very disrespectful or they’re about difference. Where the conversations above the line are about asking and sharing and learning and discovering. Even if we were to agree to disagree you’re still above the line because we’re going somewhere.
