Transcripts

Jane Adams PhD:
Women tend to think that intimacy is about disclosing our inner selves and being open to somebody else's inner self. In fact that's not always the best thing for a relationship.

Psychologist Dr. Jane Adams, author of the book Boundary Issues…

I think we expect too much in intimacy. We have this fantasy that real connection is two hearts beating as one. But over the long haul it's very difficult to live with. Intimacy isn't a state that you always have, it's something that comes and goes in a relationship. I think that women expect something more than most relationships can tolerate.

So, what should women do differently?

I think it's about choosing your moments, understanding how your partner communicates his inner life. Which is not necessarily when you say, "Tell me what you're feeling darling." It's being able to understand that sometimes his inner life is sometimes going to be more available to you if you wait and listen rather than probe and demand that he share it with you.

Women need to understand, says Dr. Adams, that intimacy and self-disclosure are not the same thing.

If women could get that particular idea out of their system (that self-disclosure is the same as intimacy) and understand that those are two separate conditions, that most relationships would be a lot better. You know we make the mistake of blaming men for the lack of intimacy in a relationship and often it's our own fault.

At somethingyoushouldknow.net I'm Mike Carruthers and that's Something You Should Know.